What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 08:22
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
How do I build rapport with anybody?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So, i spoilt her more .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I will be 64.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im still living with it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i lived it daily.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
I was seconnd youngest,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Who then, do I blame.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it wasn’t much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Put me off passion for life!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I have no regrets .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is soul school!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I could never make a relationship work though!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But, we were locked up after school.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ive learnt so much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
All the time i was locked up.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She found it foreign!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Especially a lifetime of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
I said to her
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Was to survive, this bastard.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I write beautiful poetry .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.